"Stop being weak." Those were the words that rang through Aviation Boatswain's Mate (Handling) 3rd Class Timothy Justin Husted's head.

He had stayed up until 2 a.m. just to hear those words. At the time, Husted was stationed in Japan aboard the aircraft carrier USS George Washington (CVN 73) and his wife was back in Georgia. "You may be hurting, but you need to be a better man and deal with it instead of telling me about your problems," she told him. It was Valentine's Day.

Husted was a victim of domestic abuse. His wife not only emotionally abused him, but also attempted to maintain control over his actions, relationships and finances.

"When you talk about abuse, it's always about power and control," said Marlo Brooks, family advocacy program (FAP) educator. "The extremes are biting, hitting, strangulation, but there is also emotional abuse, financial abuse and cyber abuse."

The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence defines domestic violence as the willful intimidation, physical assault, sexual assault and/or other abusive behavior as part of a systematic pattern of power and control perpetuated by one intimate partner against another.

"She tried to separate me from my friends and family," said Husted. "At first she wouldn't even call them family. She would just refer to them as my people. Eventually, when I would go home on leave from Japan [to Georgia], she wouldn't allow me to visit my family even when she was at work. I couldn't see my mom, dad, sister or even my closest friends that lived in the area. She acted as if it was just me, her and her side of the family. No one else mattered."

Abusers try to maintain control over their victims whether it's financially, through isolation or verbally beating them down.

"I didn't want to fall into a statistic or be a divorced person," said Husted. "I was with her for eight years, and I wasn't about to let things fail even though she was verbally, mentally and emotionally bashing me whenever she could."

Abuse often presents itself in a cycle of behavior, according to information provided by the Fleet and Family Support Center. The cycle starts as tension builds, which leads to the explosive phase. It isn't always physical and can last anywhere from hours to days. It then goes to the honeymoon phase. It's a cycle that will often repeat itself causing emotional distress to the victim.

"The way things were going I would get so stressed out that I couldn't even focus on my job," said Husted. "As an aircraft director, I have to be focused at all times. I wasn't able to focus or police the flight deck. That's when I got taken off deck, which made me feel worse. It made me feel like no one could rely on me. I felt like all I had was my work ethic, and if that wasn't there, then nothing else was."

Domestic abuse can have a wide array of effects on the victim and it can affect many aspects of the person's life, while being hard to identify or realize.

"I realized it was domestic abuse when it was already too late," said Husted. "I was seeing the signs, but I kept ignoring it. I didn't want to see it. I wanted to see an alternative reality which turned out to be my own worst nightmare."

The signs of domestic violence differ because relationships and circumstances are different, so identifying abuse can take time. Brooks said the signs can be easily overlooked depending on life experiences.

"Often times, we are looking at what someone has experienced in their life," said Brooks. "If I was raised in a household with unhealthy relationships, if I saw emotional abuse or any types of physical abuse, then when I'm an adult, though it may have been something I didn't like, it's something that I'm familiar with, drawn to or imitating. You can also have a victim that moves here to Norfolk and the family says 'we told you this was going to happen.' Well now they have no one to go to and they feel trapped. There's also a challenge with pride. 'I'm a chief and I have challenges in my home, but who am I going to share that with as a leader?' Most of our cases with domestic violence come through the hospital or the police. It's not like victims are walking through the door and saying, 'hey, I need help'. It's the police being called to your home and now there's a FAP case."

Brooks said the victim will often have a very low self-esteem. There can be mood swings and depression, but those behaviors can turn into binge eating or drinking to try to mask the pain of what they are going through. They can feel isolated where they don't trust anyone because the one they love is causing them pain, which Husted began to experience.

"The effects of the relationship made me not only question myself as a man, but also as a human being," said Husted. "It made me question whether I was right for any relationship at all. As a Christian, it made me think I wasn't worth God's mercy. During that time, I felt belittled. I felt numb. I tried to fill the void with a lot of things, but nothing worked. It got to a point where every day I was wearing a mask and bottling up my emotions in front of everybody, but in my alone time I would cry myself to sleep every single night. It even got to the point where I was contemplating suicide."

Brooks said it usually takes up to seven major incidents to reach the point where the victim realizes they can't do it anymore, and usually it's because of a fear for loss of life. It's not because mom called and said, 'I'm here to save you' or a friend says, 'let me pull you out.' It's when the last straw falls, and it's different for each individual.

"She made me think that my own life wasn't worth living; that I should throw it all away," said Husted. "That was the moment I decided that a divorce was worth it. Yet something inside me still felt guilty. I later learned that it's a natural feeling. I had to learn how to forgive myself and forgive her, and that's when I was able to start rebuilding myself and becoming stronger."

There are many services available for Sailors who are the victims of domestic violence and their children who may be victims of child abuse. Fleet and Family provide both adult and child counselors. Sailors are encouraged to speak up if they are informed of abuse or experience it. Recovery starts with the mind. Once the emotional trauma has been treated, then the healing can begin.

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